Boundaries

[sophiarants]

[Content warnings for very brief mentions of self-harm and oppression, but only in passing.]

I posted a tweet thread today. It strongly hints that I’m considering quitting my job. I have an application for another job in the works, and I’m waiting for the results of that first. But if things don’t improve by Christmas, I’m out of my workplace, new job or no job.

And I’ve had a revelation. I think this is all about boundaries.

How tall are you?

“There’s no one who has treated me worse than I’ve treated myself,” Lani said in episode 6 of ‘Big Strong Yes’. I was re-listening the other day, and this hit me hard. Boundaries are so hard for me - with other people, yes, but with myself too. For Lani, this comment was related to dating - she made a ‘you must be this tall to ride’ list, about who deserves to date her. My thinking is more about friends and other people in my life. But it’s the same concept. 

What do I deserve?

I’m stuck on Lani’s comment about how badly she treats herself... together with what Noelle said in Awegasm about how abusively some of us treat ourselves. I think this is the first piece in the ’boundaries’ puzzle. I’m meaner to myself than anyone else in my life. I think I don’t deserve to have me treat myself well.  Why would I deserve boundaries? Why shouldn’t everyone else treat me badly too? 

This link, between how I treat myself and how others treat me, has been a revelation recently. Maybe it should have been obvious, but I can be a bit slow to catch on to these things.

Boundaries I let people walk all over

Here’s an example. I have this thing about conversational boundaries. There are things I don’t want to talk about. A lot of things trigger me. People tend to mock me for this. (I hate that the word ‘trigger’ has become a ‘snowflake’ red flag to people, when it’s an actual mental health term.) But I’m the one who lets people walk all over me, who lets the conversation carry on when I’m not comfortable. I let people keep talking, when I could have said ‘no’ a lot earlier.

I let my work managers walk all over me, too. They agree to do things that will help me do my job, and when later refuse to do those things, I don’t make a fuss. I let them ignore my disability rights - which I could be legally addressing, but I’m way too tired. I let my managers micromanage me to the point that I can’t do my job. I put up with it when managers are so awful that I end up crying in the office. All because I don’t have enough boundaries. I think I deserve this treatment, on some level. But I don’t.

There are other issues around the decision to stay or quit work - but this is a big one.

So here’s a ‘boundaries list’ about how I treat myself, as well as how others treat me. “My friends should not be ableist” also translates to “I should challenge internal ableism in myself, because I deserve better.” And “It’s not acceptable to intentionally hurt me” is something I need to hear. (I know self-harm is complex - god, do I know it - but what I need is to hear that I deserve to treat myself better.)

My list of boundaries

[This list is a work in progress.]

It is not okay to...
...intentionally hurt me, emotionally or physically
...step over my boundaries - e.g. demanding I talk about things that I’ve said trigger me
...agree to do something and then not do it (yes I’m looking at you, toxic workplace)
...show me signs you don’t value me and then expect to stay in my life (repeatedly turning up late to see me, not replying to text messages for months on end then reappearing in my life without explanation, leaving me to be the one to make contact every time...)
...hold values that clash with mine to the point that it’s painful (this is not about staying in a bubble, but it is about not having ableist, transphobic etc friends - I deserve better)
...talk over, dismiss or refuse to listen to my experiences as a disabled/nonbinary/queer person

People in my life must...
...show that they actually care about me and want to spend time with me
...listen to my perspective and take my feelings seriously
...not be ableist, homophobic, transphobic, sexist, racist or oppressive of any other marginalised groups (but see below about making occasional mistakes)
...be willing to learn about marginalised perspectives, oppression, justice and rights, if not already aware of them (i.e. at least what I call a ‘type 2’ potential ally)
...show that I matter to them, and not show signs that they think I’m boring or just someone to be dismissed or cast aside whenever they find someone/something they find more interesting
...be willing to adapt to my needs as a disabled, autistic and queer person (i.e. don’t take me to places without thinking about access or dismiss my autistic issues)
...care about the things I care about (we don’t have to share all the same interests, but they mustn’t treat mine as silly or childish)

It should go without saying that I should follow these rules for others too, and learn and respect their boundaries.

And it’s ok to fail at some of these sometimes. We can all mess up on these from time to time, because we’re human. I can be racist and all manner of other things, at times. But I try to learn. And others should try to learn about what I need. I shouldn’t be letting people ignore my boundaries consistently. That’s when it’s clear that people don’t care.

So there’s the draft list. I’ll be working on it. And in the meantime, I’ll be trying to work out when, and how, to quit my job. The decision that I am going to, is at least progress! Year of Being Brave, baby...

And if you want to read a really good blog series on boundaries, Fatigue Fairy has two great ones here and here. Enjoy!