Worth Less

[sophiarants]

The hosts of the ‘Big Strong Yes’ podcast used a framework with the books they looked at. For each week’s worth of reading (a chapter or two), they identified:

1. A big idea (an inspirational moment from the chapter)
2. A strong challenge (the hard truths you get hit with, at those moments when you want to turn off the audiobook or throw the book across the room - these led to some great swearing from the hosts occasionally)
3. A yes (an action to take, based on the reading).

Using the same framework, I’m on my second read of Chapter 1 of ‘Rising Strong’, and hey, I’ve found my strong challenge already. Yay. < /irony > I wanted to put down the book and walk away when, talking about the theme of ‘wholehearted living’ in her books, Brene wrote:

The thread that runs through all three of these books is our yearning to live a wholehearted life. I define wholehearted living as engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging.

I guess I was a bit shocked at my reaction to this, which was ‘fuck that - why do I have to start from a place of worthiness? Why do I have define myself as worthy of love and belonging? Or as worthy of anything at all?’

It feels like the ‘fall’ concept (which at least I’ve been able to start thinking about different ways to approach). Once again, I can’t even get past the beginning of the process. Worthiness...

I honestly I believe that I’m worth less than others. And from worth less it’s just a hop, skip and a jump to worthless, isn’t it?

I’ve been thinking a lot about perfectionism, also inspired by Lani and Kelly’s discussions of the concept. I always knew that my perfectionism wasn’t good for me, but I never really thought about how it’s a defence mechanism. I need to paint a picture of myself as perfect, because underneath I think I’m anything but - and I’m terrified that people will find this out. ‘Imposter syndrome’ is too weak a term for this terror.

And it’s not like I’m making this up. People have worked out who I really am, in the past, and walked away because they didn’t like what they saw. (At least, that’s the story I tell myself... Stories we tell ourselves being a later concept in the book, which I suppose I’ll get to soon.)

It feels like I have to hold up the fiction of my universe, single-handedly. To carry the world on my back, Atlas-like - because if I stop, everyone will find out the truth about me.

I’m ill in bed today, after four months of somehow hanging in there at work without taking a sick day, and I’m feeling this really keenly. They’re going to find out. This illusion that I’m good at my job is going to shatter around me.

And from there, it’s not far to: I’m worthless. They should find out. I should suffer the way I’m meant to. It’s all I deserve.

Lani Diane Rich wrote an incredible affirmation that she shared on the podcast - you can find it beautifully rendered by Mandie Kaye at the Creative Badassery tumblr. There’s a reason it made me cry when I heard it on the podcast. My thoughts on affirmations (and why I think they’ve never worked for me) are on the way soon, I’m sure - but I’m moving towards writing my own, inspired by this one but unique to me. Worthiness and wholeness are two concepts that I’m rumbling with, that will probably feature.

So here I am, stuck at the beginning again. But at least I found my Strong Challenge for the week. Maybe by next week I can make it to the actual start of the process...!